Vessels

It feels strange, to realize, how insignificant you are. To someone in particular, or just generally, even to the people closest to you. Its widely accepted that one being around doesnt make much of a difference. If it weren’t you, it’d be someone/something else. You are forgettable and  replaceable, just like everyone else. Makes me think we are nothing but mere place holders, for others to fill their empty vessels with. Making not much of any meaningful difference to the vessel, or the room its decorating. Just place holders untill there is something more appealing to fill the vessel with. Better options found.

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The emotional fool in me does not agree. He rejects the idea of being insignificant. Is that ego? Or just his desire to feel important and wanted? Sometimes people dont even know you matter until you are gone. Sometimes, only then, they realise what you meant. Does it make a difference though? You never got to hear what difference you made, if any. May be such thoughts are just my negativity?, or perhaps thats the price people pay for having to move on. Leaving the other person feel like an empty vessel, and eventually, feeling like one themselves too!

Essence

Nothing but a place holder!

Retrospect

Don’t cry because you are leaving, smile because you were there. I do, then I frown, for how little it mattered.

The Verdict

And then I felt sad, because I realized once people are broken in certain ways they can’t ever be fixed. And this is something no one ever tells you when you are young.

Paradox

I was speaking to my friend today, “Permanency is a state of mind. You just have to make up your mind that, this is it.” This has got me thinking that perhaps everything is a state of mind. The more I think about it the more sense it makes. I feel, to love someone is easier if you feel loved. And feeling loved, cared for all depends on how you perceive things. You may perceive something in a certain way and that becomes your reality. And I may perceive it differently. In the end there is no reality, there are only perceptions. And perception is just another state of mind. So in the end, our reality, happiness, love are all projections of our mind? It’s quiet a paradox if you keep thinking about it. I’ll just let it be, and end this note with some beautiful words shared with me today.

“For trees, there isn’t a set number of leaves

Hills can be short or quite tall

Lakes can hold any number of fish

So maybe I’m okay, after all.”

Reminisence

I have been listening to music for a good while. Its been a while since i did that. just lying and listening to music without thinking about anything. The rain also made me a lil peaceful. I talked to an old friend today, someone i havnt spoken to in almost 8-10 yrs. we went to school together, well one of the schools i went to. He just called me out of the blue, he is gettin married. he asked me if i could make it. i told him about my situation and my mother’s condition and he understood.
I understand something about the past few days, but the severity is hard to explain with words. I was never good with words anyway. I have been in a state of emotional shutdown for the past 3-4 years. And all the things that i should have felt then, I was feeling now. Mostly the sad/negative things. All of them combined at once was a lil too much to take. All the people that left me/i lost during those years. Ended up feeling too unworthy and insignificant. That is my problem i think. All along i have been trying to beat this feeling, battling with it. Trying/wanting to be important. You might be really important to one or two people in this world. To the rest not so important. And that’s that, you really cant do anything about it. Trying to fight this feeling is very destructive. I have realised, you cant always conquer every feeling. Sometimes you just have to take a punch in the face. Trying to battle with this feeling will consume you, and drive you insane. You just live through it. Things will get better. it’ll pass. And when i try to take it easy and look at it as a whole. Aisa bhi kuch nai hua yaar, I have been through worse.

Yesterday

I just went through the toughest day and night of my life. It was just a normal day like any other. But mentally/emotionally it was hell. I’ve never been in such a dark painful place. not even when s left me. It started with just feeling miserable and worthless, but it didn’t go away/diminish like other days. In fact it kept building up. I tried reaching out to my friend, but my method wasnt exactly, “hey, can you talk to me for a lil bit”, so her response was, just like anyone would expect, “can’t be bothered”. I tried to just sleep but the thought of being unwanted and worthless didn’t leave me alone. I got out of bed, booted up my pc to just play some games, but feeling so miserable already i didn’t feel like putting up with all the lag/disconnect issues. I went on Facebook to pass sometime with some random funny vines, to take my mind off things n lighten up the mood. Thats when it started getting out of hand. That Chat(1) started bothering me so much, telling me that i am not good enough for her time, it just added fuel to the fire, to the point where i just unfriended her so i wont see it. It didn’t really help. I tried to get attention again. Soon after i started having extremely negative and suicidal thoughts. I asked my friend if she regrets being friends with me again. And if i died, will it make any difference. Yeh i know it sounds like such a pathetic cry for attention. But i actually wanted to do it. I just wanted to stop thinking/feeling for a little while. If that meant dying then I was willing to take that trade. I’ll do it when I go downstairs, i kept thinking of the things I could do. I didnt have the courage/strength to take my life, or I was just too lazy/tired to get out of bed. I just laid there and kept crying. I havent cried in years but yesterday my pillow was soaked with my tears. I eventually fell asleep. When I woke up, I started thinking about what happened to me yesterday, I couldn’t really figure out. My final thought on that being, it doesnt really matter. The important thing is that it passed. I just gotta wipe the slate clean and rebuild. a process i am too familiar with so it should be easy. A lot easier said than done. I wonder if i still have the strength. All day I’ve been thinking about what would change if i had actually done it. Mom and Dad would have moved in with one of the other sons. A change they’d be happy with. I was never their preference or good for anything. To anyone else it wouldn’t make any difference. Just a normal day like any other.

Sadness

One should learn to be okay with feeling sad. Specially a totally friendless person like me. It can get rough when you feel so miserable and have absolutely no one to talk to. I don’t know why I am sad, no particular reason. I took a nap n woke up with this feeling. Sort of like how sometimes  you wake up and you already know that its going to be a really shitty day. Except it’s not the day, if it were daytime then I’d just go to work or get busy with all the chores I have to do and this feeling would pass. But it is the night, and time passes so slowly at night. I felt I have been lying here for many hours and must be close to work time. I looked through the window and its pitch black. Its only been a few minutes. The thought of having this feeling for 4 – 5 more hours is weighing down on me. Sometimes I wonder if I had someone to be there for me at such times, how much of my miserable and negative thoughts they could take before they reach their “oh shit” point and decide to turn n walk the other way. Not that long I guess
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to befriend sadness itself. It seems like such an awkward and funny thought. it’ll be a loyal friend. But that would mean that sadness would never leave you? Who’d want that? No one. So I guess it would be sort of be like me? and what kind of conversations would you have with your friend? I don’t think it would matter. And regardless of how hard u try, in the end it’ll be just sad!

Double-Edged

He gains consciousness, not remembering what just happened. It’s dark all around, the only sound he can hear is the dripping water. He is not sure if that’s actually water. He tries to move, but his body fails to obey. He is lying in a dark dungeon, wounded and lifeless. He can’t remember whether he was locked away here by someone else or did he do that himself as some sort of self-defense from what lies beyond these high walls. He feels his chest only to realise how badly its wounded, and that sound he thought was water, it’s not. It’s actually his blood. He starts tracking his steps, trying to figure out who’d do such a thing to him. Many faces and events flash before his eyes. He can’t make sense of it all. He never held anything against anyone. Never tried to get any revenge of any sort, then how did he end up here, in this condition. As parts of his brain awaken, and put it all together, he realises. The hands stained with his blood are his own. All the damage and wounds are inflicted by none other but himself, and the double-edged sword he carries.

Quarrel

Quarrels can destroy relationships. Well everybody knows that. Nobody wants to argue, but it happens occasionally. You’d never meet two people who have been close and have never had a fight. Strong association with someone can also cause hurt from their words or actions. One may choose to react, and that can start a chain of reactions from both sides. However, I’ve realized, it’s not the argument that destroys anything. It’s what happens afterwards. If you both choose to just stay quiet and away, that’ll do it. You should never let your ego or even negative thoughts of self loathing come in the way, the longer you wait, the more damage your connection takes. So never ever make someone feel that they are not worth it. Not unless you are prepared to just watch them slowly walk away, which can be rather painful. And don’t wait to apologize after you realize your mistake, even if you feel the other person doesn’t even want to talk to you. A quick, sincere and heartfelt apology can prevent a lot of damage, even for the people who don’t need apologies to begin with.
Though the damage can be repaired afterwards too, but you never know. One may just decide that you aren’t worth it anymore, and it just makes things easier by not having you in their life. Once that happens then the damage is permanent. You can’t really fix it, at least I don’t know how, I wish I did. Regardless of the nature of the relationship, whether it’s a friend, family etc, and who is in a great place and who isn’t doing so well; both individuals involved sort of need it. Something like a king and his kingdom. Whats a kingdom without a king? And a king without a kingdom is just a lone wanderer.